Key #5 It’s Not About the Climax!

Sex, early on in marriage is probably the most exciting thing couples enjoy about marriage.  You get to have your best friend with benefits… forever.  In reality, sexual intimacy can be a challenge at some point in the marriage since there can be disconnect between what men need in sex and what women need in intimacy.

Let’s take a look at Patricia and John as they discuss the issue during a recent argument.

  • John:  Am I imagining things or did it feel like you weren’t into it, tonight?
  • Pat:  Well, you certainly weren’t! I can’t believe how quickly you wanted to have sex!
  • John:  I couldn’t help it.  I have been thinking of you all day. It’s been about two weeks.
  • Pat:  It’s just that we should spend some time kissing, or something.  You know I always love the way you’d usually give me a massage to get me in the mood.
  • John:  I just wanted to have sex before you change your mind.  Lately, you seem to be everywhere else, but here.  Your mind is surely not on pleasing me.
  • Pat:  It seems like lately it’s all about getting yours!
  • John:  What’s wrong with us?
  • Pat:  I don’t know.

Sex among men and women are as different as a Maserati and a Rolls-Royce out for a drive on the highway.  As soon as the Maserati hits open road, it’s ready to reach top speed.  On the other hand, the Rolls-Royce can also go at a high rate of speed if the driver chooses to do so, but it better cruises at a comfortable rate of speed making the ride enjoyable.

In general, stroking a woman’s affectionate side is the key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.  By creating an atmosphere of affection, you provide security, protection, comfort and approval.

Affection can take on many forms, from hugs to flowers to giving your wife some alone time away from the kids, to doing your part around the house.

On the flip side, men often feel cheated when sex is suddenly the last item on the to-do list or they feel rejected sexually.  Let’s read about a man that experience such rejection.

On our honeymoon we did have sex, but it was less than exciting.  I was rejected a lot by my new wife.  I guess the signs were there.  Now, sex is likely to be the final (and only) nail in the coffin of our marriage.  It’s sad, and actually we do love one another.  Some damage cannot be undone.  How does one get over being sexually rejected in their wedding night and on the honeymoon in Bora Bora?

There is a long history behind this and in the end, it’s a HUGE problem in our relationship.  Here we are, eight years later and it’s still an issue in our marriage… I notice that most of the people who say “no it’s not important” are women.  My advice is this.  Even if your husband says it’s not important, IT IS!  Never underestimate how important this is to men.  For me to not have sex that night was emasculating.  I did more than 50% of the planning for HER big day, and my big night was considered disposable.  It’s her day, but for me it was my big night.  Yes, the attitude your wife has on the importance of pleasing her husband sexually (and him pleasing her) on the night of their wedding is a very good indicator of the life to come.  Sex is the glue that emotionally holds the couple together and keeps a man involved.

Prior to marriage, sex was an activity that usually culminated the evening that was planned with fanfare, or was just an spontaneous and exciting part of your relationship journey.  In terms of frequency, men feel they should have sex at least the same if not more when they get married and that is more spontaneous due to 24 hour access.

In order for women to have her needs met, she must make a conscious choice to join her husband in the sexual experience.

They Key for this to work is by communication.  Here are some important questions that would need to be discussed in order to create and maintain a level of excitement in regards to sex.

  1. Are you both having an enjoyable sexual experience?  If not, what could be the reason that both of you are having difficulty enjoying sex.
  2. Is there enough affection in our marriage?
  3. What do you enjoy most about having sex with your partner?
  4. On a scale of 1-10, how does it feel to communicate to your partner about sex?
  5. What things can you do as a couple to ensure that more affection and sex are built into your marriage?
  6. What new sexual fantasies, desires, have you considered, but you haven’t communicated with your spouse about?

If you are having difficulty fleshing out these answers and you feel your sex life is a challenge, you might want to consider a sex therapist.  According to The Next Newlywed Handbook, the pros to hiring a sex therapist is they are highly trained and will focus on the sexual issue, but may do so by examining the relationship as a whole.  The cons are that it can be more clinical which could make it uncomfortable.  Regardless your choice, always keep an open mind.

Remember, I will be open for a FREE One-on-One GPS Coaching Session at the end of this Series. Just sign up here to enter the draw.


Coach Keith

Coach Keith Dent is a Life Coach who specializes in relationships.  He lives in West Orange, New Jersey.
You can find more about him and his amazing programs at
You can read his blog at
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